December 25
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
December 26
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 27
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
Dearest John,
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity -- Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 28
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
Dearest John,
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 29
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings -- one
for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
Love,
December 30
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
Dear John,
When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge.
Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through
the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 31
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
John,
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What
kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck --
it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
January 1
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
OK, Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with Eight
Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but
they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes
January 2
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
Hey Shithead,
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping!
And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they
got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition
to evict me!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
January 3
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep
and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner
of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned. I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it!!
Agnes
January 4
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, CO
Listen, Fuckhead!
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten
swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
January 5
Law Offices of Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve
Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss
Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total.
All future correspondence should be sent to our attention. If you
should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot on sight!
With this letter, you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender & Cajole
The Twelve Days of Christmas (lyrics and video)
By: Fred Waring & His Pennsylvanians
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A partridge in a pear tree
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three French hens
Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens
Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Six geese a-layin', five golden rings, four calling birds
Three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven swans a-swimmin', six geese a-layin', five golden rings
Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight maids a-milkin', seven swans a-swimmin'
Six geese a-layin', five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens
Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Nine lords a-leapin', eight maids a-milkin', seven swans a-swimmin'
Six geese a-layin', five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens
Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten ladies dancin', nine lords a-leapin', eight maids a-milkin'
Seven swans a-swimmin', six geese a-layin', five golden rings
Four calling birds, three French hens
Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven pipers pipin', ten ladies dancin', nine lords a-leapin'
Eight maids a-milkin', seven swans a-swimmin'
Six geese a-layin', five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens
Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve drummers drummin', eleven pipers pipin', ten ladies dancin'
Nine lords a-leapin', eight maids milkin', seven swans a-swimmin'
Six geese a-layin' five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens
Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree
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