One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
And then the fight started...
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.
"My loving wife of five years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
_________________________________
I hope you liked!
Lenny Vasbinder
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Click this link, http://lennyvasbinder.blogspot.com/search/label/Jokes, for more of my "Jokes" blogs.
You can click on the Comments link below to open the Comments section to leave your comments. I invite them and will answer most.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
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Links - Some Of My Resources And Also Links To My Old GeoCities Archived Pages and Webshots Photos
- My Original GeoCities Political Pages, now archived at the Internet Archive Wayback Machine, which stores a copy of nearly every website on the internet.
- My Webshots Photo Album
- AmericanSolutions.com - Newt Gingrich Led Group Concerning The Economy, Energy, Education And Corruption
- DickMorris.com - Daily Newsletters With Columns And Information From Dick Morris
- DrudgeReport.com - Compilation of News Headlines from around the world
- GlennBeck.com - For All The Latest And Greatest Info-tainment From Glenn Beck
- Heritage.org - The Heritage Foundation Conservative Think Tank Website With LOTS Of GREAT Information
- National Rifle Association Institute For Legislative Action - To Get Grassroots And Action Alerts To Contact Your Politicians About
- National Taxpayers Union
- "None Of The Above" NOTA Yahoo Group Forum for discussing NOTA ballot initiatives around the world
- NumbersUSA - For Lower Immigration Numbers - The Action Board Is An Easy Way For Members To Send Faxes To Their Elected Officials And Others Concerning Immigration Issues
- RushLimbaugh.com - For All The Latest And Greatest Info-tainment From Rush Limbaugh
- Tea Party Citizen Action Center - Email Tool For Sending An Email To ALL Of Your Politicians In One Fell Swoop... From Your Local State Representative Up To The President Of The USA
- Tea Party Citizen Action Center - A Home For Tea Party Groups In Louisiana
- TheBlaze.com - is a news, information and opinion site brought to you by Glenn Beck and a dedicated team of writers, journalists & video producers.
- The Dead Pelican - Compilation of News Headlines affecting Louisiana
- The Heritage Foundation - Leadership For America
- TheHill.com - News from The Hill
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